


Or Am I Lost

by EssenceOfDust



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Fluff, Pregnancy, Romance, Unplanned Pregnancy, amniocentesis, mention of alcoholism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:08:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27974927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EssenceOfDust/pseuds/EssenceOfDust
Summary: Set in s12. Abby's (and Luka's) visits to Coburn's practice throughout her pregnancy.Originally only a oneshot, but my mind isn't very reliable so we'll see where it takes us.
Relationships: Luby - Relationship, Luka Kovač/Abby Lockhart
Comments: 14
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heya!
> 
> Two disclaimers:
> 
> 1\. I quit vet school midway through (a quick tip: don't spend years studying to get into vet school if you don't want to become a vet), so whatever understanding I have of clinical medicine is very limited. I am also aware that Abby is not an animal, and have done my best to make that clear. 
> 
> 2\. I have never written fiction in English before, as it's not my first language - please be kind :D

“Abigail Lockhart?”

Abby turns around to face a young OB-nurse who, she notes, holds a remarkable resemblance to Coburn. 

“Janet - sorry, um, Dr. Coburn - told me that you guys know each other?”

“Yeah, we used to work together.” 

Abby is really not in the mood for a conversation. To her relief, the nurse can sense this and chooses to simply nod in response, leading her into a large, bright room that clearly doubles as an exam room and an office. It couldn’t be more different from the OB-floor at County - not only is everything almost _too_ new and shiny, but there is a big houseplant in the corner and a number of abstract paintings hung up on the walls. In fact, while a GYN bed and an ultrasound machine are standing in the middle of the room, they are hardly its only (or even its most prominent) feature. Abby realizes that this is probably not the room where they carry out surgical abortions - that must be somewhere else.

“You can sit down, Coburn will be right in.” The nurse gestures towards a chair positioned next to a desk and leaves. Abby looks around, hangs her coat and purse up from a coat rack by the door and sits down. A computer with a fancy-looking screen takes up much of the desk, but there is a framed picture of Coburn’s children next to it. Abby is taken aback by how much they have grown since she last saw them - they used to visit their mother at County when they were a lot younger. _They look like real people with real personalities now._

“Sorry for the wait.” Coburn walks in and sits down in her chair. She studies Abby with her eyes. “So…"

Just the supportive look is enough. As much as she wants to, Abby can’t hold back her tears any more than she could earlier that day. She then attempts to downplay her inner turmoil by apologizing and giving an embarrassed laugh, but Coburn sees through it and holds out a box of tissues that has been sitting on her desk.

“There’s no need to apologize, Abby. You are hardly the first person to cry in this room - you if anyone should know that.”

Abby laughs again, taking a tissue. “Yeah, yeah I know, I just… I just always thought that if I’m ever here again...”

“Pregnant?”

Abby nods, but can’t finish her sentence.

“You thought it would be because you wanted to.” Coburn smiles. “You thought the choice would have been made already.”

Abby nods again. Coburn was good. She had that valuable skill of being both kind and assertive simultaneously, which was an especially welcome trait in situations like this. 

“Okay, Abby, here’s what we’re going to do.” Coburn sits up, clasps her hands on the desk in front of her and continues: “you know your options - and what they entail - already, so there’s no point in me explaining them to you. Instead, I’d like to hear where you’re at. As you know, I can’t make the decision for you. However, I’m happy to try and help you make that decision as objectively as I can.”

Abby thanks her quietly and looks down at her own clasped hands, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. “I, um …” the tears are back “… I don’t know...” she looks up at Coburn and states, almost matter-of-factly, what she told Luka over Christmas: “I’m 37 years old. If not now, when?”

“Ah.” Coburn gives her a knowing look. “Listen, Abby, I’d be lying if I told you that your fertility is not declining - and I know you know that - but that doesn't mean you wouldn’t be able to conceive ever again. Now, that being said, I gather that this is something you _might_ want, whether that’s now or later. So let me ask you this: Why not now?”

Abby lets out a laugh again. “Yeah… Why not now?” She pauses to think, and after a while goes on quietly: “I think you’re right, I think I do want this. I just… I can’t stop my brain from coming up with reasons not to”. 

“That’s perfectly normal.”

“Well, it’s driving me crazy.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Coburn smiles encouragingly. 

To Abby’s own surprise, she really doesn’t want to - but not because that used to be her default response to everything, to avoid showing or talking about her emotions - but because “talking about those reasons” was what she had been doing for the past couple of weeks. In fact, it felt like that had been the only thing she had talked and thought about in days. And, as much as she hated to admit it, Luka had successfully (and incredibly patiently) countered each one of her arguments. Except for one.

Coburn seems to weigh something in her head and decides to ask, albeit very cautiously: “Are you afraid of relapsing?”

Abby shakes her head. “It’s not that. I mean, yes, but no.” She was worried about her alcoholism, yes, but the same way she was worried about the possibility of the baby being bipolar. _All there is is risk._ “I don’t know… I don’t know if I’m in a long-term relationship.”

Coburn looks curious. It is clear that they have both been tiptoeing around the question of who the father was, but in her professionalism - and due to her respect for Abby’s privacy regardless of her role as an OB - Coburn has avoided bringing it up.

“You’re afraid you’d be doing this alone?”

“Yes… No… I don’t know.” Was she? Or was she afraid of the opposite? Of committing to a relationship that had barely even started? “I don’t know that I would be… Doing this alone.” Trying to fight her tears, Abby has been looking down and talking to her own feet. She looks up at Coburn again, tilts her head and purses her lips. Then, she smiles in an almost defeated manner, as if to say “yeah, I know, you got me”, and confesses: “It’s Luka.”

“Kovač?”, even if only for a brief moment, Coburn fails to hide her excitement. It is her turn to look down.

“Yes.” Abby notices the change in Coburn’s demeanor and raises her eyebrows: “What?”

“Well, I can’t say that I’m surprised.”

“That’s not helping.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, Coburn recovers a more serious tone and continues: “Does he know?”

“Yeah.”

“And he doesn’t want you to keep it?”

While the tears are back - Abby has given up trying to fight them - the question makes her laugh. She shakes her head. _When I say I want us to keep it, you don’t like the way it sounds. But anything else is a lie._ “No, he does… _He_ does.”

“Abby?”

“No… He _really_ does… and he deserves it, I want him to have it.”

“Have what?”

“A family - Janet, he lost his wife and children in Croatia.”

Coburn nods: “I know.”

They both go quiet. Coburn seems to have decided to give Abby the time she needs to gather her thoughts, and Abby is determined to stop the tears before she says anything. When she feels like she has successfully pulled herself together, she puts into words the one thought she has been trying to avoid: “I’m happy.”

This declaration surprises Coburn, who gives Abby an inquisitive look. 

“I’m happy with him.” She shrugs her shoulders. “I haven’t been happy with anyone in a really, really long time. Not like this.”

“I’m failing to understand why that would be bad.”

“I can’t have a _child_ just to save my relationship... A relationship that started a month ago.”

“Didn’t you just tell me that _you_ want a baby yourself?”

“Yes, but…” Abby shakes her head.

“But?”

“Oh come on - I can't make that kind of a commitment, Janet. That’s not me - I… I run away.”

“What would happen if you didn’t run away?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Exactly. And correct me if I’m wrong, but this isn’t just any relationship, Abby. You’ve dated Luka before. And you’ve known him for… How many years?”

“Well, almost six, but -”

“Almost six years.”

“Yes, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything.” 

“Of course it does.”

Abby looks down. She knows that it does, of course it does. _You’re looking for reasons again._ “I don’t want to trap him”, she whispers after a while.

“Trap him? Abby, look at me - ”, Coburn stares at Abby, who looks up reluctantly. “Luka would not be settling.”

Abby rolls her eyes. 

Ignoring the gesture, Coburn goes on: “So, what you’re telling me is that you want to have this baby and Luka wants to have this baby, but that you are afraid it might be too soon.”

“Yes - I...”

“Look, that’s a totally rational fear. It might be too soon, and it might not be. But that’s not something anyone will ever know for sure, is it? You just have to make a decision and trust that you made the right one - which you will.”

“Yeah”, Abby answers quietly. Luka said something very similar that morning. She hesitates. “Could I see it?”

“The baby?” 

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

Abby nods.

“You do know how that’s likely to make you feel?”

“I know.”

“Okay, of course you can.”

Coburn gets up, washes her hands and switches on the ultrasound machine while Abby climbs on the bed, scoops up and lifts the hem of her shirt. Coburn applies ultrasound gel on Abby’s belly, takes the transducer in her hand and turns the screen of the machine so that they can both see it.

“Well, you are definitely pregnant.”

Abby doesn’t say anything. She looks at the screen - the little grey blob that is surrounded by a black amniotic sac - and is overwhelmed by emotion. The tears are coming back, but this time they are different. Coburn lets her take it in before she continues.

“Now, did you say that you and Luka have been back together for a month?”

“A month and a half or so, yeah.”

“Abby, it looks like you’re about 11 weeks - you conceived over two months ago.”

“Ah… yeah.” Abby smiles. Realizing that Coburn is clearly concerned, she quickly continues: “It’s Luka - we… uh… we took some time...”

“To figure out how you feel?”

“Yeah, but I’m not sure that we did... Figure that out.”

“I wish that was something I could help you with. But let me say this: it sounds like you probably did.” Coburn sits down on a stool next to the bed and looks at Abby patiently. 

Abby has taken the transducer into her own hand and is staring at the screen. “I can’t do it.”

“You can’t do what?”

“The abortion.” Still looking at the screen, Abby continues more assuredly: “I want to keep it.” Having made the decision, saying it out loud was a relief.

Coburn smiles. “Are you sure about that?”

“Yes.”

Abby finally takes her eyes off the baby and looks at Coburn, who responds with a gentle nod and stands up. She takes the transducer from Abby and wipes the gel off her belly. “Well, in that case we better schedule you in for another check-up. We’re running out of time.”

“Oh God - I’m sorry!”

“Don’t apologize.” Coburn waves her hand dismissively. She walks up to her desk, logs into her computer and starts typing. Abby sits up and studies the painting closest to her on the wall. It is mainly different shades of blue, except for a smooth, white object that reminds her of a scapula in the bottom right corner. It’s very Georgia O’Keeffe. Weirdly calming too, which can’t be a coincidence. It’s funny, really - how the room felt so intimidating when she walked in, but now that she’s no longer terribly conflicted, it is actually very welcoming… She’s having a baby. With Luka. 

“Abby?”

Abby looks up and realizes that Coburn has been talking to her. “Sorry, what?”

“Would you like to schedule another appointment now?”

“Um, I’d like to talk to Luka first - if that’s ok”, Abby says, and then adds quietly: “He’d want to be there.”

“Of course. In that case, just give Katie a call and she’ll work you in.”

“Katie?”

“My niece - ah - my receptionist.”

Abby nods. That explains the resemblance.

Coburn looks like she wants to say something, but isn’t exactly sure what it is. “Abby?”

“Yeah?” 

“Are you ok?”

“I am, yeah.” Making the decision has been a relief, but Abby’s fears haven’t vanished. She isn’t ready to celebrate yet.

“You know you can call me whenever - I’ll be there, either as your sponsor or as your OB.”

“Thank you.”

Coburn continues tentatively: “Abby, this is good. I’m happy for you... you’ll make a great mother.”

“Thanks… Thank you Janet, really. I hope... I hope you’re right.”

“I am.”


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby's amniocentesis. This time Luka is there too.  
> I kept thinking about this and it's late and I'm tired so obviously I decided to write everything down.

“Don’t touch me!”

Luka has made the mistake of trying to take Abby’s hand in his. Irritated, she pulls it back with impressive force.

“Sorry - I’m sorry.”

Although they have been much better at communicating than the last time they dated, she still finds it difficult to let him in on her anxieties. Luka is neither surprised nor hurt - rather, her exasperation amuses him -, and he lets it go. They continue walking in silence and arrive in front of Coburn’s practice well before their scheduled appointment. Abby is now seemingly agitated and begins to waver:

“Are you sure we should do this? I mean, I know we should, but what if - ”

“Abby, Abby” - Luka reaches out to grab her shoulder - “nothing’s going to happen!”

“You said that already, but you can’t know that, and I -”

“There are always risks. You’re a doctor, Abby - we can’t just stop taking tests.”

“Don’t patronize me.”

He sighs. “We don’t have to go.”

Abby doesn’t say anything. Instead, she studies his expression for a moment and then looks away slightly embarrassed. She is more annoyed at herself than Luka, really - of course she is being irrational -, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

“Abby?”

“No, sorry, you’re right - we do.” She turns to walk through the doors behind them and Luka follows her.

Once inside, Katie, the receptionist, hands out a consent form to sign and advises them to take a seat. They sit down on the chairs by Coburn’s door and Abby starts to nervously play with her copy of the form. Luka observes her quietly at first, but decides to intervene when it becomes clear that she will keep folding the paper into smaller and smaller rectangles unless made to stop. He gently places his hand on top of hers, which makes her realize what she has been doing. She doesn’t look up at him, but slides her hand into his. They sit in silence, him reassuringly stroking the back of her hand with his thumb, until the door opens and an OB-nurse calls them in.

“Hi, I’m Monica. Nice to meet you both.” She reaches out to shake their hands. “Dr. Coburn will be here soon, but why don’t we check your blood pressure while we wait?”

“Yeah, sure.” Abby is feeling a little less nervous - it is always good to have something to do instead of sitting and waiting. Besides, the room appears different again. Scary, but not in the same intimidating way it did the first time she walked in, when it felt like the walls were quietly judging her. Today it is just a room. And, as much as she hates to admit it, she likes having Luka there.

Monica is removing the arm cuff from Abby’s arm when the door opens and Coburn walks in. She is followed by an ultrasound tech who Abby recognizes from her time as an OB nurse but whose name she can’t remember.

“Good morning! Nice to see you both this time - congratulations to dad too!” Coburn seems genuinely happy, and Luka gives her a smile in response.

“Thank you.”

Then, addressing Abby, Coburn asks: “So, how are you feeling?”

“Alright, I think.” She looks up at Luka, who rests his hand on her shoulder, and continues: “A little nervous.”

“That’s to be expected.”

“But it’s not like I haven’t -” Abby is interrupted by both Luka, who tries to calm her down by softly saying her name, and Coburn, who simply states that “doctors get nervous too, Abby. We are not immune”.

“Tell me about it.”

Coburn and Luka share a look, making a silent pact to disregard the sarcasm. Coburn moves on.

“I have your test results here. Did we send them to you already?”

“I don’t think so - but, um, the first trimester labs came back normal.”

“Yes, and not much has changed. You are a little anemic - hemoglobin is 9.2 -, so I’ll write you a script for iron.” Coburn has been speaking directly to Abby, but gives a quick look to Luka when she finishes, as if to make sure that the supplements will be taken. She glances at the results again and continues: “Let’s see… You are rhesus positive, so we don’t have to worry about that… Okay, should we get this over with? Would you like me to go through the procedure with you before we start?”

Abby shakes her head: “No, it’s okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Abby lifts up her shirt and places her hands on top of her belly. She must have witnessed hundreds of these.

Coburn nods.

The tech introduces herself as Sofia, switches on the ultrasound machine and pulls it closer to the bed. She takes the transducer to Abby’s belly, apologizing for the cold ultrasound gel. Abby looks up at the screen. The fetus has grown. It looks almost like a real baby now. A baby.  
She then remembers that this is the first time Luka has seen it and quickly moves her eyes from the machine to him. He is completely still, staring at the screen mesmerized. This fills Abby with deep, unexpected affection that she is not used to and finds almost frightening. Luka - once he gathers himself up - reluctantly pulls his gaze away from the baby, looks down at Abby and smiles. He decides to ignore the rest of the room, moves in to give her a soft kiss and rests his forehead on hers. They stay like that, in silence, while Sofia moves the transducer around, trying to determine a good position for the needle. Coburn gives them a moment before she discreetly mentions the time. She then asks Luka to sit down, gesturing towards a chair.

Abby seems to have shifted gears, as she calmly watches Monica clean a small area of her abdomen with an antiseptic. In fact, it is now Luka who is restless. He is not used to having no role in a medical setting and struggles being a spectator. Keeping an eye on the ultrasound, Coburn inserts a thin needle into Abby’s uterus through her abdominal wall and starts to slowly withdraw amniotic fluid into a syringe.

_*beep beep beep beep beep*_

Luka quickly silences his pager and places it back into his pocket, hoping that Abby will have forgotten about it by the time they are finished. The procedure itself doesn’t take long, and Coburn pulls the needle out as carefully as she inserted it.

“You feeling ok?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Now, as you know, we’ll need to monitor you for another half an hour or so to keep an eye on the baby’s hea--”

_*beep beep beep beep beep*_

Unlike the first time his pager went off, everyone turns to look at Luka.

“Sorry.”

“You should go.” Abby sounds concerned - she doesn’t like the idea of County needing him while he was here, doing nothing but waiting.

“No, no, I’ll take you home.”

“Luka, please, you’re the Chief.”

“They’ll be fine.”

“They are your responsibility.”

“Abby, you need to rest for the next 24 hours. I’m taking you home.” He turns to Coburn (who has found this interaction entertaining and is smiling to herself) for backup.

Coburn gives Abby an apologetic look and states: “You do need to avoid exercise, you know that Abby.”

Abby is clearly annoyed, but doesn’t say anything. Prompted by the conversation - and in an attempt to try and change the subject - Coburn goes on to ask whether they have told anyone at work about the pregnancy. Luka shakes his head.

“Well, you might want to start thinking about that.” Still looking at Abby, she continues, smiling: “You’re starting to show… and you’ll need time off.”

“Yeah, well --” Abby and Luka share a look. “Luka knows. And he _is_ the Chief, so that shouldn’t be an issue.”

“Ah.” Coburn laughs at her own absent-mindedness and walks up to the sink to wash her hands. She then sits down behind her computer and starts to type. Luka takes this as his cue, stands up and moves his chair closer to Abby’s bed. The ultrasound is used to monitor the baby’s heart rate so it is still on. They are both absorbed by the screen again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's highly immoral of Luka to ignore his pages (my not-so-subtle reference to when he tells Abby to do just that by the riverside in Shifts Happen), so I'm sorry. I'm sure he went straight to the hospital after taking her to his flat and making sure she was fine.


End file.
